I saw my father for the first time in 20 years on Feb 3rd. I was in Antigua for less than 48 hours, having arrived on Feb. 1st at 8:00 p.m. I was in the town area of the small island and upon giving him a call he decided he wanted to come and meet me.
I entered the park containing a statue of former Prime Minister Lester Bird. I walked pass the statue to a man sitting on the brick wall border of the park in a black cap, grey shirt, white knee shorts and black sandals. I called to him, “Dad?...” He looked at me as I walked the few feet that separated us and he immediately embraced me. I asked him how he was and through tears he muttered “I’m alright, I’m alright” over and over again. I on the other hand had no tears, nothing flowed from my eyes.
My mom fled the island two decades ago to get away from my father and his abuse. I was small, but I remember what he did. He beat my mother. He struggled with alcoholism. Judging from the way he smelled he still does. With time, I have forgiven - honestly and sincerely. However, I did not bawl at the site of seeing him after all these years.
I thought my reaction strange and searched my heart. I found no animosity, so I really had forgiven him. After having asked a very close friend to analyze my reaction, or the lack of, she assured me that it was okay, everyone reacts differently. I was comforted to find out that I was not cold or inhuman.
I have been asked how I am able to forgive. The decision to forgive was one I made quite some time ago. How I came to that decision was a combination of my faith as a Christian and another decision to live my ‘best life’. Living your best life involves the choice to be happy. The choice to be free from the crushing hands of cares. Unforgiveness is one of those crushing hands. When you choose not to forgive, you inflict pain on your mental, and inevitably your physical self. You deprive yourself from living an optimal life because you are consumed by a suffered wrong.
I had to make a choice. Will I choose to carry around the pain and hurt that my father inflicted on our family, or will I choice to carry around the joy and freedom that I am entitled to as a human being. I chose the latter. My decision to always forgive has very little to do with the other person, and much to do with me living a great life. My father received the benefits of my choosing to forgive. Every emotion, thought, and action we experience is a choice, plain and simple.
I look forward to establishing a relationship with my father. How do I plan on establishing and maintaining this relationship? Through time spent, through conversation, and through loving. I don’t have a clear outline of how it all works and what exactly I will do. Only time will tell. However, I am not looking for him to pick up where he was forced to leave off. I don’t expect it and I don’t want it. I only ask that we have a loving and respectful relationship from now on.
